Happy Pride 🌈

Overcoming shame and accepting who I am

Photo by Egor Kamelev

I recently listened to a talk by astrologer and worldbuilding coach Ari Felix titled Meet & Greet the Planetary Ancestors. Ari relates to the planets as our wise, ancient ancestors guiding us from above. I also relate to the planets as ancestors rather than inanimate space rock and gas. In building these intentional relationships, I’ve received opportunities from Jupiter, creative inspiration from the Sun, and epiphanies from Mercury. The planets introduced me to animism, the belief that the universe, Earth, and all beings within are alive, conscious, and ensouled.

Ari’s teaching was an introduction to the planetary ancestor we are here to apprentice and embody based on our rising sign. In traditional astrology, the rising sign or ascendant is the helm of the ship of our lives. Ari stated the planet who rules one’s rising sign is the most significant planet in the natal chart. As a Leo rising, the Sun is the captain of my ship. The Sun is our life force, vitality, and inner light. The Sun generates energy that creates the seasons and fuels life on Earth. When I’m emotionally, physically, and spiritually well, my energy is warm, inviting, and radiant. When I’m depressed, anxious, or filled with shame, my light dims. As a child of the Sun, I am on a lifelong journey of self-discovery, cultivating confidence, and healing from shame.

Since listening to Ari’s talk, I’ve been sitting with my shame, and it’s been deeply uncomfortable. Brene Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

Shame is a tool of the oppressor, and it is weaponized to enforce obedience and conformity with the dominant culture of capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy. In the Ethical Slut, Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton write, “In his lectures to young communists in Germany during the rise of Hitler and the Nazis, psychologist Wilhelm Reich theorized that the suppression of sexuality was essential to an authoritarian government. Without the imposition of antisexual morality, he believed, people would be free from shame and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. They would be unlikely to march to war against their wishes or to operate death camps.”

Let that sink in. If we are free from shame, we trust our sense of right and wrong. When I’m free of shame, I believe in myself and trust my inner knowing and intuition. When I’m insecure, I look outside of myself, and the dominant culture has a stronger influence over me. Resisting the dominant culture of capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy takes courage, resilience, and community. When we dare to reject systems of oppression, we get shamed by others for not falling in line. Shame is a powerful weapon wielded by oppressive institutions to make us feel scared and alone.

Over the years, shame has prevented me from fully accepting myself. Like you, I'm a multifaceted being with complex and contradictory beliefs, desires, and dreams. I hold a multitude of ever-changing identities. Shame has stopped me from speaking up for myself and my beliefs. Shame has caused me to internalize horrible messages about my body, weight, and appearance. Shame has led me to think I am too much and not enough. Shame is like the Hydra, a multi-headed monster in Greek mythology whose heads regenerate every time they are severed. Will I ever be completely free of shame? Probably not, but I’m learning to dig up shame’s roots and throw them in the compost pile.

Recently, I experienced a significant breakthrough in my journey with shame. I’m emerging from a depressive episode that lasted most of the fall and winter. This season of depression diminished my confidence and dimmed my light. I felt like a less vibrant version of myself, riddled with anxiety and catastrophizing thoughts. I found myself missing the confident, radiant aspects of myself. I knew she was still there, just momentarily lost at sea. A deep conversation with a friend served as a mirror and became the lifeboat I needed to get myself back to shore.

There’s a big part of me I’ve repressed in the shadows for most of my life. She’s been acknowledged at times, but I never allowed her into the spotlight. She’s the part of me who celebrates love and sex. She’s confident in her sexuality and unashamed of desiring and experiencing pleasure. She’s the part of me who is queer as fuck and attracted to people of all genders, especially other women. She’s the part of me I’ve kept most hidden because of my internalized homophobia and fear of rejection.

I consider myself a late bloomer. I didn’t begin accepting my queerness until I was in my mid-20s. By then, it felt too late to officially come out to my friends and family. I mentioned it in passing, never making a big deal of it. I didn’t feel queer enough to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’ve been in a long-term partnership for five years, and we are heterosexual presenting. My partner is amazing and has validated me ever since I questioned my sexuality. However, it’s taken years to validate myself.

This Pride month, I’m openly celebrating my queerness and accepting myself as part of the LGBTQIA+ community. What I love most about this community is the collective dismantling of shame and systems of oppression. Queer people are trailblazers and liberate our society from patriarchal norms of heterosexuality, the gender binary, and traditional monogamy. We celebrate Pride Month because of a rebellion against police repression organized by Black and brown trans women like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera. They fought on the frontlines of queer liberation, and it took years for the white queer community to include trans people and people of color. I highly recommend watching the documentary Disclosure on Netflix to learn more about this history.

Today, Pride is co-opted by corporations and morphed into rainbow capitalism. Walk into any major big box retailer and you find rainbow commodities galore. Pride has become yet another thing to package and sell to consumers for profit. However, I’m grateful to have a month to gather with queer friends, attend queer events, and grow my community. Happy Pride to all my fellow queers! May this month be a time to overcome shame, celebrate ourselves, learn about the history of queer and trans liberation, and support organizations on the frontlines. We are in the midst of a wave of violent anti-trans legislation, and we need to do what we can to fight back. Some organizations to support include Milwaukee Trans and Queer Depot, Black and Pink, and Brave Space Alliance.