Sobriety during Saturn in Pisces

Metamorphosis, addiction, and sober musings

Alignment is here. I feel it. I’m savoring it. It’s taken so long to arrive here. Decades. Metamorphosis is an uncomfortable process. Caterpillars liquefy their bodies to grow wings and fly. My Saturn return was the goo process liquefying insecurities, self-destructive patterns, trauma, egocentric dreams, and people I outgrew. Liquefying oneself is never easy, and it’s part of the cycle. I grieved and said goodbye to so much. I was consumed by anger, frustration, hopelessness, and stagnancy. Yet something kept me going. Something deep within told me my wings were coming.

Saturn in Pisces transiting my 8^th house is bringing awareness to my addictions. Alcohol, social media, numbing activities. For several years I attempted dry January, and not once did I succeed. Until this year. Something shifted. While emerging from my goo phase I thought about my why. Why do I drink so much? Why does one beer turn into four so easily? Why am I, at 29 years old, drinking more days than I’m not? Do I really need alcohol to bring me joy and connection? The more I sat with these questions, the more I reflected on all the pain enmeshed with alcohol. A broken wrist. A broken hip. Sexual assaults. Yes, plural. The most shameful thing I’ve ever done - drunk driving. Again, plural. I turned to alcohol over and over and over again to numb my pain, my traumas, my self-hatred. I drank to blur the shadows, and in doing so I befriended darkness. By the way, whoever says your 20s are the best years is full of shit.

I recently reflected on my college years and how everything involved drinking. My sorority taught me the art of fake IDs, getting into bars underage, and flirting for free drinks. The service fraternity I joined wasn’t much better. To feel like I belonged I attended pregames, themed parties, and bar crawls. Even my workplace was saturated with drinking culture. I was a fundraiser at the call center on campus raising money for the university. Every semester the supervisors were put in charge of planning case races and encouraging their team members to join. The team who finished a case of beer first was the winner. When I graduated in 2015, the University of Illinois was named the number one party school by the Princeton Review. My fellow new grads and I wore that as a badge of honor. Job well done! We drank our four years away, and we have a national ranking to prove it!

The worst part is how normalized my binge drinking was. Rarely did anyone bat an eye. The only people who checked me were my freshman year college roommate (thank you, Alex) and my abusive ex-boyfriend. Perhaps my loved ones had their suspicions, their questions, their doubts. When I told my family I was going sober, for real this time, my stepdad voiced he thought I may have drank too much. I say this not to place blame on anyone (I know my family reads this Substack). You had no idea what I was going through because I hid it from you. Just like I hid my eating disorder when I was 13 and the abuse I endured when I was 21-25. I hid these demons so well I even hid them from myself. They were too painful to acknowledge, and I didn’t have the awareness and support I do now.  

The thing about astrology is it’s validating. When I committed to studying this ancient art form during my Saturn return, I poured over my natal chart seeking answers. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why have I experienced so much pain? How can I ease that pain? Well, the planets gave me an answer. At least they helped give archetypal context. There in my natal chart is Mars in Cancer in my 12^th house. A fallen, dishonored God of War in the house of isolation, imprisonment, and mental illness. I have a day chart, born just before noon, so Mars is my malefic contrary to sect. Astro-speak translation; Mars is my most challenging, difficult, vengeful planet!

I’m being dramatic. The planets aren’t vengeful, and I do not condone doom and gloom astrology. All the pain and trauma I experienced can always be traced back to oppressive paradigms like capitalism, patriarchy, and fatphobia, myself and my internalized systems of oppression, or my generational ancestral patterns. This one planetary placement was the big A-HA! Mars in Cancer in my 12^th house is the archetypal signature for my addictions, numbing practices, self-destructive behavior, and trauma.

Astrology expands our awareness, and awareness is power. I moved through 25 years of life unaware of my destructive patterns rarely pausing to self-reflect and consider how drinking and numbing hindered my happiness and fulfillment. In the latter half of my 20s, I began seeking out therapy, new friends who shared my values, and activities that brought me expansion like community organizing. It was a long journey to get to where I am today, and it all begins with baby steps. Little glimpses of awareness of our patterns. That oh, am I doing that thing again, and is it serving me?

Going alcohol sober didn’t happen overnight. It began with those glimpses of awareness of my drinking patterns. That awareness grew steadily over the years, and I thought to myself I’m going to shift my relationship with alcohol. That shift took four years to lead to full blown sobriety, and many times I thought I’d never fully give it up. It’s too normalized. Drinking culture permeates every pore of society. The alcohol industry and tavern leagues have their claws deep in our psyches especially here in Wisconsin.

Those claws are painful to remove. It’s not easy, and it can be done. I thank the universe and Saturn for bringing me sober community. On February 1^st the day after my first successful dry January, my friend hosted a sobriety healing circle at the local magic shop where I was giving astrology readings. I knew in my bones I had to go. I felt so good after 31 days of not drinking, and I wanted to talk to others about it. That healing circle introduced me to my best friend and others who were sober curious or had years of sobriety experience to share. It gave me hope that in the biggest drinking state in the country I too could do this. Once I opened myself to receiving help from community it made my choice to stop drinking more easeful.

Now I have friends who share my multi-passions outside of drinking and going to the bar. We ride bikes, attend markets, dream up community workshops, and go to open mics. We even spray paint poems on the sidewalk together! Life since going sober has blossomed in ways I never dreamed possible. One of the first things my friend, who hosted the healing circle, said is sobriety is not for everyone. I do not and will not preach sobriety. I only know it’s what’s best for me and my healing journey, and I’m filled with gratitude to be in community with others who are on similar journeys. If you are sober curious or on the sobriety path yourself, I am always open to expanding my community! If you have reflections or questions that have come up while reading my story please them share with me! You can reply to this email, leave a comment in Substack, or email me directly at mysticmagnoliaastro@gmail.com.

Sobriety has taught me how to enjoy being present. It has helped me bring awareness to my numbing practices, and now I’m able to shift them to present practices. Moving forward, I am adding a two new sections to Flower Moon. One is titled Present Practices where I’ll share the practices keeping me grounded and loving the present moment. The other is titled Multi-Passions where I share all the things bringing me expansion, insight, and joy that don’t involve drinking. I hope you enjoy and would love to hear what you would add to these lists!

Present Practices

My fiancé and I are tending our first garden together. Our neglected backyard is transforming. My Taurus Sun is fulfilled getting my hands in the dirt, weeding, and planting new life. Our next door neighbors gifted us their huge outdoor table, and now I have a place to take off my shoes, ground my feet in the dirt, read a book, drink coffee, or write! My garden is my happy place where I can enjoy the warmth of the sun on my face and the peaceful sound of birds chirping.

Multi-Passions…all the things bringing me expansion, insight, and joy!  

Spray Painted Poems – a community art project visioned and brought to life by Bre otherwise known as Beedle the Poet. The project featured all my favorite things; art, poetry, community, collectivism, and Riverwest. One of the best parts was my friend and I being selected to spray paint our poems on the sidewalk! THE coolest project I’ve ever been a part of!

How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell – I’m not finished and already this book has changed me. It nudged me down a path I’ve been fearful of – confronting my addiction to social media. The Taurus New Moon inspired me to draw a lavender Himalayan salt bath and listen to the audiobook. I’m taking my time with this one because Jenny Odell’s insights deserve undivided attention.

My therapist recently recommended Common Shapes a podcast about practices, systems, and rituals for a creative life by Marlee Grace. Common Shapes came into my life precisely when I needed it, and maybe you need it too.  

Cosmic Anarchy by Dr. Ayesha Khan (@wokescientist if you’re on the socials). I’ve subscribed to her Substack for about a year, and now that I’m reclaiming my attention from Big Tech algorithms, I have more energy to read long form offerings.