The Venus Diaries Pt. 4: Torn in Two
A Venus retrograde series
The Venus Diaries is a series of diary-like missives about love, loss, and renewal. They are a devotional offering to Venus, transmitted weekly on Venus Day during Venus Hour. These missives are for my 24-year-old self, who began this Venus cycle in so much pain and so full of hope. This series is an invitation. Join me as we descend into the underworld, surrender to the spiral, and experience the synchronicities of the Venus cycle.
Dear reader,
Welcome to The Venus Diaries, a Venus retrograde newsletter series. You can catch up with previous missives here:
One quick update before we descend into the Venus cycle. There is a new episode of Sol Connections, Ep. 9 | Mercury & Reconnecting with the Earth & Spirit feat. Kristen Moncada, on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube.
is a medicine weaver and artist specializing in psychic mediumship, energy healing, dream interpretation, and tarot & oracle card readings. She is one of the most loving and mystical people I know! Our conversation winds through Kristen’s journey of rediscovering the magic in her life and arriving at her passion for reconnecting people with the Earth and Spirit. Listen now and share the podcast with a friend.2025 Venus Retrograde in Aries & Pisces
January 28th Venus entered her retrograde shadow 24° Pisces
March 1st Venus stationed retrograde 10° Aries
March 22nd Venus Cazimi 2° Aries (Inferior Conjunction)
The 8-year Venus cycle we are reflecting upon in this newsletter series ends and a new one begins.
April 12th Venus stations direct 24° Pisces
May 16th Venus leaves her retrograde shadow 10° Aries
We are nearing the end of the Venus retrograde, and in eight days she stations direct. However, this storyline does not conclude until Venus leaves her retrograde shadow in May. Venus retrogrades align with underworld journeys of love, loss, and renewal that influence our relationships, values, desires, and creations. It may take weeks, months, or even years to understand the impacts of this retrograde. In time, Venus’ lessons will come to light.
2020 Venus Retrograde in Gemini
April 9, 2020 Venus entered her retrograde shadow 5° Gemini
May 13, 2020 Venus stationed retrograde 21° Gemini
June 3, 2020 Venus Cazimi 13° Gemini (Inferior Conjunction)
June 25, 2020 Venus stationed direct 5° Gemini
July 29, 2020 Venus left her retrograde shadow 21° Gemini
My heart pounded as I said, “Brittany, I need to talk to you.” We hadn’t spoken in over a week, and the tension was palpable. The seismic activity of 2020 eroded our friendship, and our conflict avoidance made us strangers. Our Wicker Park three flat, once my haven, was now an isolation chamber, restricting my every move. Four months into the COVID-19 pandemic, I reached my breaking point. I summoned the courage to finally speak my truth, “I’m moving out of the apartment.” With those six words, I cast the spell that dissolved our friendship for good.
On March 21, 2020, Governor Pritzker issued the stay-at-home order for the state of Illinois. I was living with Brittany who was immunocompromised, and we agreed that we couldn’t risk having visitors at our apartment, including Will. We sheltered in place and watched the world fall apart from our phones.
The overwhelming feeling of the 2020 Venus retrograde in Gemini was of being torn in two. At first, Will and I agreed to no visits because we cared about Brittany and valued all of our safety. There were so many unknowns, and we didn’t know how COVID-19 was transmitted, lacked access to tests, and masks were in limited supply. A month passed and my heart ached for Will’s calming and grounding presence. We were newly in love, and I missed him immensely. I asked Brittany when he could visit, and she said she didn’t know. This was fair, and at the same time, I grew frustrated by our forced separation. Part of me had compassion and grace for Brittany, and the other part felt grief and anger for being cut off from the person I loved most. I didn’t have the tools to express my feelings constructively, so I repressed them and a storm of resentment brewed.
I became even more conflicted when the protests erupted in response to the murder of George Floyd. I was an organizer and struggled with FOMO when I couldn’t be in the epicenter of the action. My living situation restricted me, and my heart yearned to join my comrades protesting in the streets. My love for my best friend clashed with my desire to join the resistance. My resentment threatened to boil over as I watched the uprisings unfold on my phone.
In June, Brittany went on a road trip, and Will was allowed to visit while she was away. We savored every moment of our reunion. That week, we biked all over the city, joining as many protests as we could. When Brittany returned, I felt deflated knowing my restrictions would be back in place.
Tens of thousands of people protested in Chicago that summer. Once I joined in, I didn’t want to stop. 2020 was a historical moment, and I wanted to be part of it. If I kept protesting, I would betray my friend. If I stayed on the sidelines, I would betray myself. Ultimately I chose my desires, and all choices have consequences. I’m not proud of my actions because they were selfish. However, I have grace for my younger self who was following her heart.
By July, Brittany and I stopped speaking. She knew I was protesting, and I betrayed her trust. I was fuming because she flew to another state to visit friends, and air travel seemed riskier than me attending outdoor, masked protests. Rather than talk through our conflict, we avoided each other. The tension became unbearable, and as Venus traversed her retrograde shadow, I decided to move out. Brittany and I were no longer compatible as roommates, and our friendship felt damaged beyond repair.
The Venus retrograde pattern of love, loss, and renewal emerged again. I moved in with Brittany during the 2018 Venus retrograde and by the following retrograde our friendship crumbled. Friendship breakups are the worst kind of breakups. When I left my ex, I was euphoric and liberated. When I lost Brittany, I grieved for months. I have not seen or spoken to her since I moved out five years ago. Even though we parted on bad terms, I’m forever grateful for our friendship. The Venus cycle teaches me that people come and go at precisely the right time. Whether they stay for a season or a lifetime, every relationship is valuable with lessons to impart.
2021 Venus Cazimi in Aries
March 26, 2021 Venus Cazimi 5° Aries (Superior Conjunction)
March 2021 was an expansive time for me as an organizer. I was taking on leadership roles and building community with comrades who shared an abolitionist vision of the future. I felt like I finally found my people. My passion for organizing was limitless, but I lacked boundaries and was hurtling toward burnout. One week after the Venus Cazimi in Aries, I spent the evening hanging out with friends at a park and biked home after drinking too much wine. I hit a patch of gravel and wiped out. I went to the ER and the doctor found a hairline fracture on my hip. I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg and needed four weeks to heal. In hindsight, I see my accident as a massive hint from the universe to slow down and reevaluate my lifestyle. Unfortunately, it took a lot more than a broken hip for me to realize how burnt out I was becoming.
Thank you for reading The Venus Diaries. Next week, I’ll be back with an essay about the events that unfolded throughout the 2021 & 2022 Venus retrograde and the 2022 Venus Cazimi. Stay tuned!
In love & devotion, Emily
I could have sworn I commented before this 🥲 that's such a scary wake-up call! Your journey in comparison to what you share about Venus retrograde has been so helpful! I can totally see where the deep dive of Venus starts to move back towards rebirth and how it deeply impacts our relationship with ourselves & others