The Venus Diaries Pt. 2: Beginning of the End
A Venus retrograde series
The Venus Diaries is a series of diary-like missives about love, loss, and renewal. They are a devotional offering to Venus, transmitted weekly on Venus Day during Venus Hour. These missives are for my 24-year-old self, who began this Venus cycle in so much pain and so full of hope. This series is an invitation. Join me as we descend into the underworld, surrender to the spiral, and experience the synchronicities of the Venus cycle.
Dear reader,
Welcome to The Venus Diaries, a Venus retrograde newsletter series. You can catch up with part 1 here:
Content warning: The following essay contains stories of alcoholism and emotional abuse.
I once learned from Orphic mystic, scholar, and translator,
, that the Ancient Greek word for the degrees of the natal chart is Moirai. The Moirai, or Fates,1 are divine sisters, weaving and spinning the threads of fate or destiny. As I descend deeper into the underworld, my intimacy with Venus grows. The more I research and reflect, the more fated her cycle feels. The cycle initiated on March 25, 2017, with a Venus Cazimi at 4° of Aries, and wraps up on March 22, 2025, with a Venus Cazimi at 2° of Aries. My natal Venus at 3° of Aries nestles tightly between these cosmic phenomena, forging my heart with this mysterious cycle.Reflecting on who I was when this cycle began and who I am now, I am awed by the struggles I have overcome. In the beginning, my spirit and self-esteem were fragmented and splintered. Little did I know I was being initiated onto a path of recovering the parts of myself I had abandoned and repressed. Somewhere along the journey, I rekindled my fighting spirit and unearthed my heart’s desires. This eight-year cycle has been an odyssey of healing from abuse, reclaiming my power, and seeking self-sovereignty.
Writing this newsletter series is another step in my healing process. There are wounds my body needs to feel. There are stories my younger self needs to share. I have a natal Gemini Moon in the 11th house of community and collective aspirations. Writing is how I make sense of the world within. Sharing my inner world with others is how I connect. My stories are collective stories, and my struggles are collective struggles. I write for myself because self-expression sets me free. I write to connect with fellow survivors, queers, and women whose stories mirror my own.
As I honor the cycle coming to a close, I feel vibrant, whole, and resourced. I’m ready to hold the hand of my younger self and guide her through the underworld. We’ll leave our adornments at the threshold as each of the seven gates requires us to shed the masks that kept us safe. As we stand before the Queen of the Underworld, bare and vulnerable, we will die and be reborn.
2017 Venus Retrograde in Aries & Pisces
January 30, 2017 Venus entered retrograde shadow 26° Pisces
March 4, 2017 Venus stationed retrograde 13° Aries
March 25, 2017 Venus Cazimi 4° Aries (Inferior Conjunction)
Our present eight-year Venus cycle began.
April 15, 2017 Venus stationed direct 26° Pisces
May 18, 2017 Venus left her retrograde shadow 13° Aries
I have so much compassion for my 23-year-old self who began this Venus cycle. I was passionate, idealistic, and open-minded. I also had a lot to learn. I struggled with self-worth and had no clue what a boundary was. I lived in Chicago, the city of my dreams, in a tiny studio apartment one block from Lake Michigan. I had a meaningful job and a boyfriend I thought I loved. I was following the blueprint laid out for me by the patriarchal capitalist culture. On paper, everything looked fantastic, but deep down, I was miserable and suffering.
I moved into a one-bedroom apartment with my college boyfriend on April 1st during the Venus retrograde. I was excited and grateful to close the physical distance between us. However, my boyfriend was emotionally and verbally abusive, gaslighting me constantly. This new apartment was supposed to be our home to build a life together, but it became my prison. Over the next 18 months, my boyfriend would isolate me from my friends and family, exert control over my life, and shatter my heart and self-esteem to pieces. This all happened behind closed doors, and I learned to mask and repress my suffering.
At 23, I was already an alcoholic, and living in Chicago enabled my drinking. I would blow my paychecks on bottomless mimosas and weekends galavanting through nightclubs. I blacked out more than I liked to admit. My blackouts enraged my boyfriend and drowned me in shame. I began racking up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, living beyond my means to maintain my social life. I knew I needed to rein in my drinking and spending, but alcohol was the only way to numb my pain.
While my home life was unsafe and my social life enabled me, work became my refuge. The organization supported folks within the disability community. The relationships I built with disabled folks opened my eyes to the ableist-dominant culture. I began confronting my internalized ableism, leading to a shift in my values that paved the way for more radically loving ideas to take root. My job introduced me to a coworker who became my best friend and a beautiful influence in my life.
That spring, my coworkers encouraged me to sign up for the Chicago Marathon to raise money for our nonprofit. I was not a runner, but something compelled me to sign up. Training for and running the Chicago Marathon was a highlight of my early 20s. Running along Lake Michigan with music blasting in my ears, I felt free. When my boyfriend tore me down, running miles along the lakeshore slowly built me back up.
Venus retrogrades align with stories of love, loss, and renewal. I lost parts of myself when I moved in with my abuser, and I was renewed by new friendships and experiences that expanded my worldview. Training for the marathon gave me the courage to take on challenges and rekindled my belief in myself. 2017 was challenging, but the universe sent me what I needed to keep going.
2018 Venus Cazimi in Capricorn
January 8, 2018 Venus Cazimi 18° Capricorn (Superior Conjunction)
In part 1, I shared…
In my research, I noticed significant differences between the events that unfolded during inferior conjunctions (retrograde Cazimis) and superior conjunctions (direct Cazimis). The inferior conjunctions aligned with transformative endings, losses, and renewals. The superior conjunctions harmonized with events that felt like fate, propelling my life forward in magical ways — timeline jumps, if you will.
Superior conjunctions (direct Cazimis) occur over a few weeks as Venus catches up to the Sun in her transition from Morning Star to Evening Star. In this series, I’ve included the exact date of the Cazimi. However, I recommend thinking about the weeks leading up to and following the Cazimi as you reflect upon your experiences.
In January 2018, as Venus conjoined the Sun, I visited New Orleans for the first time. I was blocked creatively and spiritually, but the soulfulness of the city planted a seed. I fell in love with the food, music, and vibrant culture. I felt so alive! The trip was a bright light during a tumultuous time. The city of New Orleans is resilient, and my brief encounter gave me a boost as I headed into the beginning of the end of my relationship.
Thank you for reading The Venus Diaries. Next week, I’ll be back with an essay about the events that unfolded throughout the 2018 Venus retrograde and 2019 Venus Cazimi. Stay tuned!
In love & devotion, Emily
Lovely and moving essay, Emily. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and with such devotional grace!
I am following along as I track my own story. This particular Venus retrograde feels so poignant...2017 was the beginning of the end of an amazing, thrilling relationship-of-a-lifetime for me that ended in tragedy, a tragedy that I knew from the very beginning, could not but help happening. I feel like I am just coming up for air, and yet over the past couple of weeks, there are echoes of an even older relationship pattern coming through yet again... the spirals we go through.
I did not know the Moira were also names for the degrees of the zodiac! I do know them as the Fates and they are part of my devotional practice to the great goddess, Hekate.